Love Gift

I stare into his big blue eyes, those rosy cheeks and pink lips, his gaze never leaves mine. Only space between us, nothing can separate. Nestled in the warm embrace, arms tucked into my chest, he smiles big. He was a great surprise, this boy of mine. Unexpected, an unfathomable gift I wondered, I worried.

As the sun would climb, its brilliant rays stretching the spans of the earth, my 2nd born would frequent a sterile world filled with glaring lights, scan faces unrecognizable, his soft flesh poked and prodded. The loud clammer of machines and monitors, the hum drum of physicians and nurses.....this was the life he knew.

How could we be crowned with another gift? How would we pour ourselves into another precious baby? Would he live? Would he present with the same ailments as big brother? Worries that welled deep within. And so it was, we would open our hearts...... again.

Sickness enveloped, nearly claimed this being as I lay helpless, IV's infusing, my veins begging for hydration, my heart longing to be mommy and wife. That little green hospital room familiar, so familiar it became home to me on that day.... the day of little ones 2nd birthday. My soul was tested, my heart ached. I longed for birthday boy's embrace and to celebrate the miracle of his life....his life he was so laboriously fighting for. The tears flooded my face and soul. How God, is any good going to come of this? I desperately yearned to be home with my babies and be the wife I knew my husband needed. Oh if I could have seen in my desperation the work God was doing.

Yes, these boys would be just fine as they watched Daddy work and cook, and do laundry, and be mommy and take care of mommy. These boys would experience the pressure doing its work. This man of mine, fearlessly leading the bunch, would open his tender heart and a blueprint for keeping the fragile hearts of these all- too- soon - to - be men would be birthed.

Why is it so hard to accept God's gifts so freely and unreservedly? The veil covers my eyes and I see through my lens instead of His. Lord I want to see. I want to see the sacred in the everyday. I want to freely accept His unforced gifts and walk in gratitude for all He has blessed this undeserving heart. And so, I have embarked on a journey of gratitude.......

3 healthy little boys

my husband's walk with our Lord

prayers of my little boys

warm breezes

days full of sunshine

wind chimes chiming

birds singing

hugs

music

family devotions around the table

smiles from my blue eyed baby

laughter

family

good food

coke =)

smell of fresh baked cookies

innocence of children

I look over, his eyes meet mine, and laughter overtakes him. Oh what joy God has lavished on this momma.

I sit and rock this blue eyed wonder boy of mine, I am humbled that God would so graciously entrust this broken girl to a lifetime of love fulfilling, His love fulfilling.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God.

1 John 3:1

A Sacred Journey

We sat motionless, paralyzed. We stared in disbelief, not sure if we had heard correctly. Our hopes and dreams began to unravel before our very eyes.

Our son had a heart condition that could claim his life.

The days that were to follow would require magnitudes of faith.

Left to contemplate our thoughts over the course of the next week, emotions ran high and tensions steady. One sleepless night turned into another and another. We began to pour every fragment of time into searching scripture, KNOWING and RESTING in God's promises. His peace began to flood our soul and permeate our hearts. I began to realize, to know and understand God's Sovereignty.

I begged and pleaded with God not to take my precious baby home just yet. His life could not be cut short. I had not spent enough time with him or taught him all that he needed to know. I had not spent enough nights tucking him in "as snug as a bug in a rug". As I stared into his big brown eyes and studied his tiny little hands, I wept knowing that God had knitted him together in my womb and He was much more capable than I in safegaurding this precious little angel.

I realized for the first time how much God loves his children. His soul desire is that He would have our hearts and that we would walk in obedience. I was reminded of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego who were about to be thrown into the furnace. They replied, "the God we serve is able to save us from it, but even if He does not, we will not serve your gods". I began to walk in obedience through faith and lay my baby at the altar. Though I do not know the outcome.....I will serve you!

I poured over Scripture and begged God to give me a clear sign. I wanted to know that I was praying His will....His will that my baby not be sick. I was brought to Jeremiah 29:11-13. I began to sob as I read the words on the page. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with your whole heart". HE WANTS TO GIVE MY BABY A HOPE AND A FUTURE!

As I sit and wait, I rest knowing that God's plans are far superior than mine. My mind cannot even begin to comprehend his supremacy. I am nothing. The only difference between the dirt I stand on and the dirt I hold in my hand is the breath of God! I stand in resolve knowing that He is able to immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to His power that is at work within us.

Though I do not know the outcome of this journey...Yet I will praise Him!